The Crisis of Leadership

Going into this situation, I knew that a big lesson, or a big work that was going on in my life was God's establishing of my identity in him. From the get go, I knew that this was going to be a good time of me getting out of a position of leadership to pursue deepening my relationship with him. Deepening my faith. Experiencing real-life situations so that my faith actually could be tested and proved of its enduring quality. A part, I guess, was also to build my story bank. I was excited about all the stories I would be able to use to teach, to really experience the stuff I'm presenting.

But actually NOT being in a leadership role is probably a lot harder than I expected. It brought about two things for me. First, and probably most primarily, my identity was challenged. I had served in a ministry as a leader for almost 6 years now. Whether it was student leadership in youth group, or my internship where I could make calls with Matt and experience all that, I was involved. Now, however, it is just eye opening to me to see how unprepared I am to lead. A lot of that has to do with my insecurities. Regardless of how gifted or capable I am, my confidence, or lach there of, stifles me. Easy solution right? Just stop. Understand who I am in Christ. Keep PERSPECTIVE (that word keeps coming up!)

it's a lot more than lack of something to do, though. I can't lead others because of my inability to see outside of myself. I'm constantly acting out of what is most beneficial for myself, rather than the people I'm trying to lead, and the overall picture as a whole. Also, I'm usually striving to establish and maintain my leadership, so I don't lead strongly. I am concerned with what others think of me, and if I am portraying myself strongly enough.

I know this, and that's why God's so good, because he's using this next season precisely for that, however, I think about my years at Biola, and how much I regarded myself as a leader. Was I all wrong then? Was I really just a good faker? I don't think people naturally followed me. It was usually because of positional leadership that others listened to what I said. My personality doesn't command authority, and that bothers me. I'm not strong, and I'm not ready.

This will be a season where I don't have to worry about shepherding right now, but I can be focused on being filled, and loving and serving others while doing that.

How embarassing. I virtually have a degree in Christian Education Ministry, and in terms of leading a ministry, I'm no where close. At Oasis, I'm standing in the shadow of several, strong men who are volunteer and staff leaders on teams. I look at Nathan who, though didn't go to Bible school like I did and doesn't have a minor in biblical studies, is a stronger leader than I. Here I come in, college green bean expecting/hoping to begin my career in ministry to realize that I am not ready. Maybe informationally, but in terms of life experience, I am at a stand-still. I can't lead people where I haven't been.

He intimidates me, and so does Dennis. I feel like ethey are so holy, that I would come out looking like someone really too young to really be their aquaintence. I feel like even for Cody, caring for me is an obligation for being in his small group. Sooooo on a different level. Actually, that's majority of the people up here. Will I let that affect me?

Coming of Age:1

So I'm not moving to LA to become a famous actor, or musician, or to be in musicals, or to get rich and sucessful. All of that is or was or still kind of a part of what I've wanted my whole life. But something else has brought me out of my comforting, laid-back Orange County home to this foreign land that is a mere 30 miles away.

GOD.

This will go down in my life as a turning point moment. The work that is being done in me right now is a complete and total renovation of my heart, and a renovation of perspective. That word, perspective, has become my word for the year. Cody, a new friend of mine, had challenged me to pick a word that would describe my 2009. Upon selecting, I put thought and prayer into it, but in all honesty, I picked it because I figured that my eyes would be open in some way this first year in LA. It was broad enough of a word to encompass several aspects of my life, and that is just my character. Afraid of being bold in one stataement, because of the consequences of me being wrong. So, perspective.

That word has slowly been sharpened for me, as my life slowly makes its shift towards the Emerald City. I've not officially moved up there yet. I don't have my own place. I've just left my loved ones at Biola and in Orange County, and though I'm commuting and crashing on my sister's couch until I get an apartment (shooting for march), my nomadic existence has brought up deep insecurities within myself.

Being a nomad means you aren't planted anywhere. Going from place to place, making no real connections, just loosely interacting with those you meet along the way. Ultimately being on your own. Some people enjoy that. That, for me is my default mode these days. With 60 guys on a floor, in a building of 400 people, at a small school of about 4000, there is ALWAYS someone around, and not just anyone, a friend. Being the new guy in EVERY situation in LA is frustrating and isolating. Though I am making connections, slowly, with the help of my family, none are deep yet. Naturally, but it doesn't help the isolated feeling. To walk around church with everone else busy doing a job, and me trying to help where I can, but not being on a team, finding myself a little obsolete. Feeling lost. So I sat at a starbucks, and pretended to be busy doing something, reading a book, anything that would make me not feel so...... blank.

It hit me. Perspective. My life needs to have people in it. It needs to be productive for the kingdom. It needs to worship God. But I remember myself explaining my move to LA to a friend. " I think God's trying to prepare me and cultivate me to be more useful for His purposes, so if that means taking myself out of current ministry leadership to break the mold again, and repiece it together, so be it." *** sigh**** I am John, and I find my worth in what others think of me. So if that means dressing well, cracking jokes, telling stories, playing music, singing, dancing, teaching ---- working in ministry----> I'll do what it takes to get approval. From Man. ........


..... fallen men.....

............imperfect men.....

I know it has to come from God, but at this point, I'm having a hard time finding it there. I know i must seek Him, because in learning who He is, I find out who I am. But is that just some nice BIOLA platitude.... a word of consolation to make me feel better.... i know that the words I say/ type... are truth.... but maybe I have yet to realize it in my life. To experience it in my life...

I have a tendency to run to things that are counterfit for my worth. Image, Responsibility. Relationships--- sometimes.
But if anything... right now... I really just don't want to be alone. I can relinquish the first two things, but the third... relationships..... knowing and being known at an honest deep level... that is at the core of my being. And though that is a blessing from God, i still need to realize that my SOURCE needs to be the Father. the source of my purpose and sustinence. Man is the vehicle.... so I need to seek the source....

... learn who I am am... in Him....
... not not just say I want to seek him, but to actually seek him...

That's why I'm moving to LA.

Perspective: part 1

A friend of mine challenged me to come up with a word that would describe my 2009. I liked his. Courage. I wanted mine to be something interesting like that, too. Something, thas was a good combination of inner work, with a focus on reaching and impacting others. But after a lot of thought, I came to this word:

PERSPECTIVE

This is important to me in this new season of my life. I have just finished my time at Biola, and I'm waiting 4 months to graduate. Life is taking a new turn here. I'm finding myself needing to reevaluate my life. My outlook, my view of God, my view of myself, my motivations, what I think about, how I think about things, and why I think about things. What is important to me? Why is it important to me? Is my distorted view of the world the only view that is out there?

Perspective.

I'll explain the rest of my story, and how I got to this point in the next installation. Right now, I just need to get what is on my mind, out.

So the move to LA was really exciting to think about first. Then came the challenge of finding a job. Now the big horror in the room is me having to start over.

I was in the living room tonight during one of the family book study sessions. It was good to observe. I didn't mind that. It was great how intentional they were with each other. Open, Caring. Sincere.

I liked watching. Then i started thinking about whether or not I'm going to joing it, and if I do, how difficult it's going to be for me to open up to them, the degree at which they already do. I got scared. I don't know these people that well. They know each other well. Sharing life. Doing together. Here I am. Coming in. I'm overwhelmed. There. i said it. open the flood gates of John's emotions. NO one's reading this anyway. I can be as emotional as I want. I was so intimidated by all the people. they're probably really nice people. Some of them I already know. But, what the heck do I talk to them about? I don't know how to interact with them just as a person. I don't know my limits. What I can say. What I can't.

Big overwhelming thought. They can't hold my stuff, and they shouldn't have to. They sure as hell don't want to. I don't know that for sure. that's probably the least true out of the last statements. I'm so much. I was getting so overwhelmed. I'd love to pursure real relationships with everyone... but something is stopping me. I'm a lot. Lets keep conversations about work, and the drive. And being up in LA and the move. Lets keep it theres. I'm gonna continue tomorrow. I'm bead.

Homosexuality and the Church's Response

As a soon-to-be college graduate aspiring to enter a career in ministry and possibly the creative/performing arts, 73 million dollars is a figure I never expect to see in my bank account, unless God decides to do a miracle. It’s a lot of money, and anything worth investing that much cash into has got to be something of great importance. It has got to be something so close to my heart, that it trumps anything that money could have otherwise purchased.
This is the amount that was spent on pro and anti Prop 8 campaigns. Less than 10% of Americans identify with this orientation, yet during the recent presidential elections, homosexual marriage captured our nation’s attention. Of all topics of conversation, few have generated as much controversy as this, and even with the passing of Prop 8, it is clear the conversation is not yet over.
Homosexuality is an important topic in our culture and of our generation. Therefore, as representatives of Christ, as people trying to be a light to our world, it needs to be an important topic to us. With the varying opinions as to how to respond to the gay marriage topic, among Christians and non-Christians (not necessarily just between them), I had to ask myself: as a Christian who puts his faith in Christ and in his teachings, how should I respond to this?
First off, it’s necessary to establish that the God makes a clear stance on the morality of homosexuality. Leviticus 18 calls this act an abomination, and 1 Corinthians 6 deems it as a sin against God. Simply put, homosexuality is wrong and is a sin. There. I said it. God’s intention for a union to be between a man and a woman, and homosexuality is a deviation from that order. With that said, though, too often, the church forgets that it is not the ONLY sin. In the past, gay men and women have been treated as pariahs of the community because of their sin. Yet as Romans 3:23 says, we are all sinful, tainted and don’t deserve the blessing of community. If we are to be a people who live in truth, we must foundationally recognize that we are all in the same boat, and that none of us deserve God’s forgiveness. Not one of us is better off than the other.
With that understanding, the church should respond to homosexuals the same way it would respond to any other sinner-with love. If a compulsive liar comes clean, we support them with accountability. Ministries like Celebrate Recovery are to aid those with addictions. Too often, homosexuals are not received openly. For whatever reason, Christians are more so threatened by the idea of homosexuality rather than moved to compassion that these people live a life constantly in search of filling a void that only God can fill. It requires that we let our hearts break for the hurting, and so though it may not be apparent, experience testifies that a life without God, a life seeking after temporary fixes, brings about a discomfort more painful than any flesh wound.
While important to maintain openness and a receptive attitude and heart towards these people, Ephesians 4:14-16 gives us Christians clear instructions as to how we are to love these people best, and it is by holding strong to what is true. Speaking the truth in love. It is important that we are speaking the truth of the effects of sin on a person’s life, not sugar coating information, or altering God’s Word to not sound so harsh to the audience. Uncompromisingly, we need to communicate truth for what it is. Particularly with homosexuality, we need to be willing to present the facts on this lifestyle and the potential effects it has on a person’s health, and on society as a whole. And even, more challenging, when we approach a situation like Proposition 8, we won’t fold to please the majority perspective, but we willing to communicate sound defense for a Biblical position.
Lastly, as Christians, our lives are to be testimonies to those who are around us. As the institution of marriage is being questioned, and as homosexuality is being considered as an option, the church must respond by evaluating the kind of example Christian marriages are setting. As people seeking to be like Christ, our lives need to reflect the goodness of being in Christ, the promise of the abundant life that comes through Christ, and draw people into that.
Therefore, when asked the question, “what is our response to be,” in regards to homosexuality, the answer is simple. Live as Christ lived, and love as he loved.