Coming of Age:1

So I'm not moving to LA to become a famous actor, or musician, or to be in musicals, or to get rich and sucessful. All of that is or was or still kind of a part of what I've wanted my whole life. But something else has brought me out of my comforting, laid-back Orange County home to this foreign land that is a mere 30 miles away.

GOD.

This will go down in my life as a turning point moment. The work that is being done in me right now is a complete and total renovation of my heart, and a renovation of perspective. That word, perspective, has become my word for the year. Cody, a new friend of mine, had challenged me to pick a word that would describe my 2009. Upon selecting, I put thought and prayer into it, but in all honesty, I picked it because I figured that my eyes would be open in some way this first year in LA. It was broad enough of a word to encompass several aspects of my life, and that is just my character. Afraid of being bold in one stataement, because of the consequences of me being wrong. So, perspective.

That word has slowly been sharpened for me, as my life slowly makes its shift towards the Emerald City. I've not officially moved up there yet. I don't have my own place. I've just left my loved ones at Biola and in Orange County, and though I'm commuting and crashing on my sister's couch until I get an apartment (shooting for march), my nomadic existence has brought up deep insecurities within myself.

Being a nomad means you aren't planted anywhere. Going from place to place, making no real connections, just loosely interacting with those you meet along the way. Ultimately being on your own. Some people enjoy that. That, for me is my default mode these days. With 60 guys on a floor, in a building of 400 people, at a small school of about 4000, there is ALWAYS someone around, and not just anyone, a friend. Being the new guy in EVERY situation in LA is frustrating and isolating. Though I am making connections, slowly, with the help of my family, none are deep yet. Naturally, but it doesn't help the isolated feeling. To walk around church with everone else busy doing a job, and me trying to help where I can, but not being on a team, finding myself a little obsolete. Feeling lost. So I sat at a starbucks, and pretended to be busy doing something, reading a book, anything that would make me not feel so...... blank.

It hit me. Perspective. My life needs to have people in it. It needs to be productive for the kingdom. It needs to worship God. But I remember myself explaining my move to LA to a friend. " I think God's trying to prepare me and cultivate me to be more useful for His purposes, so if that means taking myself out of current ministry leadership to break the mold again, and repiece it together, so be it." *** sigh**** I am John, and I find my worth in what others think of me. So if that means dressing well, cracking jokes, telling stories, playing music, singing, dancing, teaching ---- working in ministry----> I'll do what it takes to get approval. From Man. ........


..... fallen men.....

............imperfect men.....

I know it has to come from God, but at this point, I'm having a hard time finding it there. I know i must seek Him, because in learning who He is, I find out who I am. But is that just some nice BIOLA platitude.... a word of consolation to make me feel better.... i know that the words I say/ type... are truth.... but maybe I have yet to realize it in my life. To experience it in my life...

I have a tendency to run to things that are counterfit for my worth. Image, Responsibility. Relationships--- sometimes.
But if anything... right now... I really just don't want to be alone. I can relinquish the first two things, but the third... relationships..... knowing and being known at an honest deep level... that is at the core of my being. And though that is a blessing from God, i still need to realize that my SOURCE needs to be the Father. the source of my purpose and sustinence. Man is the vehicle.... so I need to seek the source....

... learn who I am am... in Him....
... not not just say I want to seek him, but to actually seek him...

That's why I'm moving to LA.