Going into this situation, I knew that a big lesson, or a big work that was going on in my life was God's establishing of my identity in him. From the get go, I knew that this was going to be a good time of me getting out of a position of leadership to pursue deepening my relationship with him. Deepening my faith. Experiencing real-life situations so that my faith actually could be tested and proved of its enduring quality. A part, I guess, was also to build my story bank. I was excited about all the stories I would be able to use to teach, to really experience the stuff I'm presenting.
But actually NOT being in a leadership role is probably a lot harder than I expected. It brought about two things for me. First, and probably most primarily, my identity was challenged. I had served in a ministry as a leader for almost 6 years now. Whether it was student leadership in youth group, or my internship where I could make calls with Matt and experience all that, I was involved. Now, however, it is just eye opening to me to see how unprepared I am to lead. A lot of that has to do with my insecurities. Regardless of how gifted or capable I am, my confidence, or lach there of, stifles me. Easy solution right? Just stop. Understand who I am in Christ. Keep PERSPECTIVE (that word keeps coming up!)
it's a lot more than lack of something to do, though. I can't lead others because of my inability to see outside of myself. I'm constantly acting out of what is most beneficial for myself, rather than the people I'm trying to lead, and the overall picture as a whole. Also, I'm usually striving to establish and maintain my leadership, so I don't lead strongly. I am concerned with what others think of me, and if I am portraying myself strongly enough.
I know this, and that's why God's so good, because he's using this next season precisely for that, however, I think about my years at Biola, and how much I regarded myself as a leader. Was I all wrong then? Was I really just a good faker? I don't think people naturally followed me. It was usually because of positional leadership that others listened to what I said. My personality doesn't command authority, and that bothers me. I'm not strong, and I'm not ready.
This will be a season where I don't have to worry about shepherding right now, but I can be focused on being filled, and loving and serving others while doing that.
How embarassing. I virtually have a degree in Christian Education Ministry, and in terms of leading a ministry, I'm no where close. At Oasis, I'm standing in the shadow of several, strong men who are volunteer and staff leaders on teams. I look at Nathan who, though didn't go to Bible school like I did and doesn't have a minor in biblical studies, is a stronger leader than I. Here I come in, college green bean expecting/hoping to begin my career in ministry to realize that I am not ready. Maybe informationally, but in terms of life experience, I am at a stand-still. I can't lead people where I haven't been.
He intimidates me, and so does Dennis. I feel like ethey are so holy, that I would come out looking like someone really too young to really be their aquaintence. I feel like even for Cody, caring for me is an obligation for being in his small group. Sooooo on a different level. Actually, that's majority of the people up here. Will I let that affect me?
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I probably should not say anything because i am probably just going to put my foot in my mouth.
STOP LOOKING DOWN ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!! !!!!!
John you are wayyyyy talented and you are a leader for sure!! john you have helped me to be a better man and i am grateful for the time that you were in my life.
and you have had many life experiences john, dont forget where you have come from your spiritual journey and the struggles you have had. you are spiritually mature because you have experienced spiritual warfare in your own life. and that is a quality of a leader, some one who has some spiritual scars, had some knifes in their back from satan.
and finally i have to say this dont compare yourself to these other men. each one of us is different and each one of us has been blessed by the holy spirit in different ways. your job is to use the talents that you have been given. to nourish the gift that God has given you. not to wish and hope to be another. (i say this because i am trying to understand this as well)
now that i have put my both my feet in my mouth. i leave you with this. God loves you and has accepted you and called you just as you are!!!!!
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