i was driving to my Starbucks to do some work before work, and I was making a right turn on a green light. The cars in the opposing lane were making safe lefts, and when I got to the intersection to make the turn that was, by law, my right to make first, the opposing car turning left did not relent. As usual, I lashed out in my patronizing lecturer tone saying, "Now, really? Is it your turn to make that turn? No it isn't. When making safe lefts, you always yield to the car that is turning right, and that is me, now isn't it. You should learn to yield more, man this self-asserting, self-promoting, selfish town."
Then I thought, "at some point, in order to avoid a collision, someone has to yield. Who will it be? Do I have to do it out of humility? that's what instinct tells me, and i think that is what years of being raised in a Christian home has taught me about etiquette- put others first. It seems right, but this situation highlighted how self-asserting I am. In my heart I expect, still, that others yield to me. If I yield to them, it isn't out of love, but it is me extending a favor. Wow how prideful is that. Man, God's got a lot to change about me. Praise Him for his patience!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Disappointment
So today was my first lesson on cutting corners. Not that I did it my whole life, or that I got by simply by doing the minimum amount of work to get a passing grade... well, maybe I did that part time. You see, I was always one who sought after good grades. I was a perfectionist, well, I always valued that image. I looked accomplished. Polished. Desirable. Admired. In reality, perfection wasn't that important. Acceptance was.
So I skated by in life doing the minimum it required to be the best. Confusing, I know. I would shoot for a 92-95.... make sure I got at least a 3.75 GPA. Enough to look good, and to legitimately be good, but I didn't obsess over getting it completely right. A bit of laziness I guess. Well that finally caught up with me. I over estimated my abilities in this online class I was taking to finish up my undergraduate degree, and in the business of getting situated in my new LA life.... in the business of caring for my soul, for being mentally secure, emotionally stable, and consistently trusting in God, I neglected the class and didn't make grades. First time ever. And it came in at the end of the race. Disappointment.
I can't graduate with the people I love at Biola. I'm going to disappoint the parents. Have to retake another horrible science class... this wasted half efforted time. I look like a puts. And will soon be forgotten. there are options though. I can walk in May, and then take the summer to finish my class... AT BIOLA. I'd have to take a break from my new life to finish on time. I'd have to see if financial aid was even available. All the other interns are graduating. I'm so lame. The majority of my staff is graduating. Will is graduating. So is Meleca. Mike and Mike D are already out. I'm prolonging this. I'm a disappointment. Sure wait another 6 months. Take a few more online classes to defer paying my school loans. In the mean time, my self esteem goes to crap. Ironic part. I'm being detained from graduating with great honors (magna cum laude) because of a bad grade. It's laughable...sigh...
So I skated by in life doing the minimum it required to be the best. Confusing, I know. I would shoot for a 92-95.... make sure I got at least a 3.75 GPA. Enough to look good, and to legitimately be good, but I didn't obsess over getting it completely right. A bit of laziness I guess. Well that finally caught up with me. I over estimated my abilities in this online class I was taking to finish up my undergraduate degree, and in the business of getting situated in my new LA life.... in the business of caring for my soul, for being mentally secure, emotionally stable, and consistently trusting in God, I neglected the class and didn't make grades. First time ever. And it came in at the end of the race. Disappointment.
I can't graduate with the people I love at Biola. I'm going to disappoint the parents. Have to retake another horrible science class... this wasted half efforted time. I look like a puts. And will soon be forgotten. there are options though. I can walk in May, and then take the summer to finish my class... AT BIOLA. I'd have to take a break from my new life to finish on time. I'd have to see if financial aid was even available. All the other interns are graduating. I'm so lame. The majority of my staff is graduating. Will is graduating. So is Meleca. Mike and Mike D are already out. I'm prolonging this. I'm a disappointment. Sure wait another 6 months. Take a few more online classes to defer paying my school loans. In the mean time, my self esteem goes to crap. Ironic part. I'm being detained from graduating with great honors (magna cum laude) because of a bad grade. It's laughable...sigh...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Crisis of Leadership
Going into this situation, I knew that a big lesson, or a big work that was going on in my life was God's establishing of my identity in him. From the get go, I knew that this was going to be a good time of me getting out of a position of leadership to pursue deepening my relationship with him. Deepening my faith. Experiencing real-life situations so that my faith actually could be tested and proved of its enduring quality. A part, I guess, was also to build my story bank. I was excited about all the stories I would be able to use to teach, to really experience the stuff I'm presenting.
But actually NOT being in a leadership role is probably a lot harder than I expected. It brought about two things for me. First, and probably most primarily, my identity was challenged. I had served in a ministry as a leader for almost 6 years now. Whether it was student leadership in youth group, or my internship where I could make calls with Matt and experience all that, I was involved. Now, however, it is just eye opening to me to see how unprepared I am to lead. A lot of that has to do with my insecurities. Regardless of how gifted or capable I am, my confidence, or lach there of, stifles me. Easy solution right? Just stop. Understand who I am in Christ. Keep PERSPECTIVE (that word keeps coming up!)
it's a lot more than lack of something to do, though. I can't lead others because of my inability to see outside of myself. I'm constantly acting out of what is most beneficial for myself, rather than the people I'm trying to lead, and the overall picture as a whole. Also, I'm usually striving to establish and maintain my leadership, so I don't lead strongly. I am concerned with what others think of me, and if I am portraying myself strongly enough.
I know this, and that's why God's so good, because he's using this next season precisely for that, however, I think about my years at Biola, and how much I regarded myself as a leader. Was I all wrong then? Was I really just a good faker? I don't think people naturally followed me. It was usually because of positional leadership that others listened to what I said. My personality doesn't command authority, and that bothers me. I'm not strong, and I'm not ready.
This will be a season where I don't have to worry about shepherding right now, but I can be focused on being filled, and loving and serving others while doing that.
How embarassing. I virtually have a degree in Christian Education Ministry, and in terms of leading a ministry, I'm no where close. At Oasis, I'm standing in the shadow of several, strong men who are volunteer and staff leaders on teams. I look at Nathan who, though didn't go to Bible school like I did and doesn't have a minor in biblical studies, is a stronger leader than I. Here I come in, college green bean expecting/hoping to begin my career in ministry to realize that I am not ready. Maybe informationally, but in terms of life experience, I am at a stand-still. I can't lead people where I haven't been.
He intimidates me, and so does Dennis. I feel like ethey are so holy, that I would come out looking like someone really too young to really be their aquaintence. I feel like even for Cody, caring for me is an obligation for being in his small group. Sooooo on a different level. Actually, that's majority of the people up here. Will I let that affect me?
But actually NOT being in a leadership role is probably a lot harder than I expected. It brought about two things for me. First, and probably most primarily, my identity was challenged. I had served in a ministry as a leader for almost 6 years now. Whether it was student leadership in youth group, or my internship where I could make calls with Matt and experience all that, I was involved. Now, however, it is just eye opening to me to see how unprepared I am to lead. A lot of that has to do with my insecurities. Regardless of how gifted or capable I am, my confidence, or lach there of, stifles me. Easy solution right? Just stop. Understand who I am in Christ. Keep PERSPECTIVE (that word keeps coming up!)
it's a lot more than lack of something to do, though. I can't lead others because of my inability to see outside of myself. I'm constantly acting out of what is most beneficial for myself, rather than the people I'm trying to lead, and the overall picture as a whole. Also, I'm usually striving to establish and maintain my leadership, so I don't lead strongly. I am concerned with what others think of me, and if I am portraying myself strongly enough.
I know this, and that's why God's so good, because he's using this next season precisely for that, however, I think about my years at Biola, and how much I regarded myself as a leader. Was I all wrong then? Was I really just a good faker? I don't think people naturally followed me. It was usually because of positional leadership that others listened to what I said. My personality doesn't command authority, and that bothers me. I'm not strong, and I'm not ready.
This will be a season where I don't have to worry about shepherding right now, but I can be focused on being filled, and loving and serving others while doing that.
How embarassing. I virtually have a degree in Christian Education Ministry, and in terms of leading a ministry, I'm no where close. At Oasis, I'm standing in the shadow of several, strong men who are volunteer and staff leaders on teams. I look at Nathan who, though didn't go to Bible school like I did and doesn't have a minor in biblical studies, is a stronger leader than I. Here I come in, college green bean expecting/hoping to begin my career in ministry to realize that I am not ready. Maybe informationally, but in terms of life experience, I am at a stand-still. I can't lead people where I haven't been.
He intimidates me, and so does Dennis. I feel like ethey are so holy, that I would come out looking like someone really too young to really be their aquaintence. I feel like even for Cody, caring for me is an obligation for being in his small group. Sooooo on a different level. Actually, that's majority of the people up here. Will I let that affect me?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Coming of Age:1
So I'm not moving to LA to become a famous actor, or musician, or to be in musicals, or to get rich and sucessful. All of that is or was or still kind of a part of what I've wanted my whole life. But something else has brought me out of my comforting, laid-back Orange County home to this foreign land that is a mere 30 miles away.
GOD.
This will go down in my life as a turning point moment. The work that is being done in me right now is a complete and total renovation of my heart, and a renovation of perspective. That word, perspective, has become my word for the year. Cody, a new friend of mine, had challenged me to pick a word that would describe my 2009. Upon selecting, I put thought and prayer into it, but in all honesty, I picked it because I figured that my eyes would be open in some way this first year in LA. It was broad enough of a word to encompass several aspects of my life, and that is just my character. Afraid of being bold in one stataement, because of the consequences of me being wrong. So, perspective.
That word has slowly been sharpened for me, as my life slowly makes its shift towards the Emerald City. I've not officially moved up there yet. I don't have my own place. I've just left my loved ones at Biola and in Orange County, and though I'm commuting and crashing on my sister's couch until I get an apartment (shooting for march), my nomadic existence has brought up deep insecurities within myself.
Being a nomad means you aren't planted anywhere. Going from place to place, making no real connections, just loosely interacting with those you meet along the way. Ultimately being on your own. Some people enjoy that. That, for me is my default mode these days. With 60 guys on a floor, in a building of 400 people, at a small school of about 4000, there is ALWAYS someone around, and not just anyone, a friend. Being the new guy in EVERY situation in LA is frustrating and isolating. Though I am making connections, slowly, with the help of my family, none are deep yet. Naturally, but it doesn't help the isolated feeling. To walk around church with everone else busy doing a job, and me trying to help where I can, but not being on a team, finding myself a little obsolete. Feeling lost. So I sat at a starbucks, and pretended to be busy doing something, reading a book, anything that would make me not feel so...... blank.
It hit me. Perspective. My life needs to have people in it. It needs to be productive for the kingdom. It needs to worship God. But I remember myself explaining my move to LA to a friend. " I think God's trying to prepare me and cultivate me to be more useful for His purposes, so if that means taking myself out of current ministry leadership to break the mold again, and repiece it together, so be it." *** sigh**** I am John, and I find my worth in what others think of me. So if that means dressing well, cracking jokes, telling stories, playing music, singing, dancing, teaching ---- working in ministry----> I'll do what it takes to get approval. From Man. ........
..... fallen men.....
............imperfect men.....
I know it has to come from God, but at this point, I'm having a hard time finding it there. I know i must seek Him, because in learning who He is, I find out who I am. But is that just some nice BIOLA platitude.... a word of consolation to make me feel better.... i know that the words I say/ type... are truth.... but maybe I have yet to realize it in my life. To experience it in my life...
I have a tendency to run to things that are counterfit for my worth. Image, Responsibility. Relationships--- sometimes.
But if anything... right now... I really just don't want to be alone. I can relinquish the first two things, but the third... relationships..... knowing and being known at an honest deep level... that is at the core of my being. And though that is a blessing from God, i still need to realize that my SOURCE needs to be the Father. the source of my purpose and sustinence. Man is the vehicle.... so I need to seek the source....
... learn who I am am... in Him....
... not not just say I want to seek him, but to actually seek him...
That's why I'm moving to LA.
GOD.
This will go down in my life as a turning point moment. The work that is being done in me right now is a complete and total renovation of my heart, and a renovation of perspective. That word, perspective, has become my word for the year. Cody, a new friend of mine, had challenged me to pick a word that would describe my 2009. Upon selecting, I put thought and prayer into it, but in all honesty, I picked it because I figured that my eyes would be open in some way this first year in LA. It was broad enough of a word to encompass several aspects of my life, and that is just my character. Afraid of being bold in one stataement, because of the consequences of me being wrong. So, perspective.
That word has slowly been sharpened for me, as my life slowly makes its shift towards the Emerald City. I've not officially moved up there yet. I don't have my own place. I've just left my loved ones at Biola and in Orange County, and though I'm commuting and crashing on my sister's couch until I get an apartment (shooting for march), my nomadic existence has brought up deep insecurities within myself.
Being a nomad means you aren't planted anywhere. Going from place to place, making no real connections, just loosely interacting with those you meet along the way. Ultimately being on your own. Some people enjoy that. That, for me is my default mode these days. With 60 guys on a floor, in a building of 400 people, at a small school of about 4000, there is ALWAYS someone around, and not just anyone, a friend. Being the new guy in EVERY situation in LA is frustrating and isolating. Though I am making connections, slowly, with the help of my family, none are deep yet. Naturally, but it doesn't help the isolated feeling. To walk around church with everone else busy doing a job, and me trying to help where I can, but not being on a team, finding myself a little obsolete. Feeling lost. So I sat at a starbucks, and pretended to be busy doing something, reading a book, anything that would make me not feel so...... blank.
It hit me. Perspective. My life needs to have people in it. It needs to be productive for the kingdom. It needs to worship God. But I remember myself explaining my move to LA to a friend. " I think God's trying to prepare me and cultivate me to be more useful for His purposes, so if that means taking myself out of current ministry leadership to break the mold again, and repiece it together, so be it." *** sigh**** I am John, and I find my worth in what others think of me. So if that means dressing well, cracking jokes, telling stories, playing music, singing, dancing, teaching ---- working in ministry----> I'll do what it takes to get approval. From Man. ........
..... fallen men.....
............imperfect men.....
I know it has to come from God, but at this point, I'm having a hard time finding it there. I know i must seek Him, because in learning who He is, I find out who I am. But is that just some nice BIOLA platitude.... a word of consolation to make me feel better.... i know that the words I say/ type... are truth.... but maybe I have yet to realize it in my life. To experience it in my life...
I have a tendency to run to things that are counterfit for my worth. Image, Responsibility. Relationships--- sometimes.
But if anything... right now... I really just don't want to be alone. I can relinquish the first two things, but the third... relationships..... knowing and being known at an honest deep level... that is at the core of my being. And though that is a blessing from God, i still need to realize that my SOURCE needs to be the Father. the source of my purpose and sustinence. Man is the vehicle.... so I need to seek the source....
... learn who I am am... in Him....
... not not just say I want to seek him, but to actually seek him...
That's why I'm moving to LA.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Perspective: part 1
A friend of mine challenged me to come up with a word that would describe my 2009. I liked his. Courage. I wanted mine to be something interesting like that, too. Something, thas was a good combination of inner work, with a focus on reaching and impacting others. But after a lot of thought, I came to this word:
PERSPECTIVE
This is important to me in this new season of my life. I have just finished my time at Biola, and I'm waiting 4 months to graduate. Life is taking a new turn here. I'm finding myself needing to reevaluate my life. My outlook, my view of God, my view of myself, my motivations, what I think about, how I think about things, and why I think about things. What is important to me? Why is it important to me? Is my distorted view of the world the only view that is out there?
Perspective.
I'll explain the rest of my story, and how I got to this point in the next installation. Right now, I just need to get what is on my mind, out.
So the move to LA was really exciting to think about first. Then came the challenge of finding a job. Now the big horror in the room is me having to start over.
I was in the living room tonight during one of the family book study sessions. It was good to observe. I didn't mind that. It was great how intentional they were with each other. Open, Caring. Sincere.
I liked watching. Then i started thinking about whether or not I'm going to joing it, and if I do, how difficult it's going to be for me to open up to them, the degree at which they already do. I got scared. I don't know these people that well. They know each other well. Sharing life. Doing together. Here I am. Coming in. I'm overwhelmed. There. i said it. open the flood gates of John's emotions. NO one's reading this anyway. I can be as emotional as I want. I was so intimidated by all the people. they're probably really nice people. Some of them I already know. But, what the heck do I talk to them about? I don't know how to interact with them just as a person. I don't know my limits. What I can say. What I can't.
Big overwhelming thought. They can't hold my stuff, and they shouldn't have to. They sure as hell don't want to. I don't know that for sure. that's probably the least true out of the last statements. I'm so much. I was getting so overwhelmed. I'd love to pursure real relationships with everyone... but something is stopping me. I'm a lot. Lets keep conversations about work, and the drive. And being up in LA and the move. Lets keep it theres. I'm gonna continue tomorrow. I'm bead.
PERSPECTIVE
This is important to me in this new season of my life. I have just finished my time at Biola, and I'm waiting 4 months to graduate. Life is taking a new turn here. I'm finding myself needing to reevaluate my life. My outlook, my view of God, my view of myself, my motivations, what I think about, how I think about things, and why I think about things. What is important to me? Why is it important to me? Is my distorted view of the world the only view that is out there?
Perspective.
I'll explain the rest of my story, and how I got to this point in the next installation. Right now, I just need to get what is on my mind, out.
So the move to LA was really exciting to think about first. Then came the challenge of finding a job. Now the big horror in the room is me having to start over.
I was in the living room tonight during one of the family book study sessions. It was good to observe. I didn't mind that. It was great how intentional they were with each other. Open, Caring. Sincere.
I liked watching. Then i started thinking about whether or not I'm going to joing it, and if I do, how difficult it's going to be for me to open up to them, the degree at which they already do. I got scared. I don't know these people that well. They know each other well. Sharing life. Doing together. Here I am. Coming in. I'm overwhelmed. There. i said it. open the flood gates of John's emotions. NO one's reading this anyway. I can be as emotional as I want. I was so intimidated by all the people. they're probably really nice people. Some of them I already know. But, what the heck do I talk to them about? I don't know how to interact with them just as a person. I don't know my limits. What I can say. What I can't.
Big overwhelming thought. They can't hold my stuff, and they shouldn't have to. They sure as hell don't want to. I don't know that for sure. that's probably the least true out of the last statements. I'm so much. I was getting so overwhelmed. I'd love to pursure real relationships with everyone... but something is stopping me. I'm a lot. Lets keep conversations about work, and the drive. And being up in LA and the move. Lets keep it theres. I'm gonna continue tomorrow. I'm bead.
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