Driving

i was driving to my Starbucks to do some work before work, and I was making a right turn on a green light. The cars in the opposing lane were making safe lefts, and when I got to the intersection to make the turn that was, by law, my right to make first, the opposing car turning left did not relent. As usual, I lashed out in my patronizing lecturer tone saying, "Now, really? Is it your turn to make that turn? No it isn't. When making safe lefts, you always yield to the car that is turning right, and that is me, now isn't it. You should learn to yield more, man this self-asserting, self-promoting, selfish town."

Then I thought, "at some point, in order to avoid a collision, someone has to yield. Who will it be? Do I have to do it out of humility? that's what instinct tells me, and i think that is what years of being raised in a Christian home has taught me about etiquette- put others first. It seems right, but this situation highlighted how self-asserting I am. In my heart I expect, still, that others yield to me. If I yield to them, it isn't out of love, but it is me extending a favor. Wow how prideful is that. Man, God's got a lot to change about me. Praise Him for his patience!

Disappointment

So today was my first lesson on cutting corners. Not that I did it my whole life, or that I got by simply by doing the minimum amount of work to get a passing grade... well, maybe I did that part time. You see, I was always one who sought after good grades. I was a perfectionist, well, I always valued that image. I looked accomplished. Polished. Desirable. Admired. In reality, perfection wasn't that important. Acceptance was.

So I skated by in life doing the minimum it required to be the best. Confusing, I know. I would shoot for a 92-95.... make sure I got at least a 3.75 GPA. Enough to look good, and to legitimately be good, but I didn't obsess over getting it completely right. A bit of laziness I guess. Well that finally caught up with me. I over estimated my abilities in this online class I was taking to finish up my undergraduate degree, and in the business of getting situated in my new LA life.... in the business of caring for my soul, for being mentally secure, emotionally stable, and consistently trusting in God, I neglected the class and didn't make grades. First time ever. And it came in at the end of the race. Disappointment.

I can't graduate with the people I love at Biola. I'm going to disappoint the parents. Have to retake another horrible science class... this wasted half efforted time. I look like a puts. And will soon be forgotten. there are options though. I can walk in May, and then take the summer to finish my class... AT BIOLA. I'd have to take a break from my new life to finish on time. I'd have to see if financial aid was even available. All the other interns are graduating. I'm so lame. The majority of my staff is graduating. Will is graduating. So is Meleca. Mike and Mike D are already out. I'm prolonging this. I'm a disappointment. Sure wait another 6 months. Take a few more online classes to defer paying my school loans. In the mean time, my self esteem goes to crap. Ironic part. I'm being detained from graduating with great honors (magna cum laude) because of a bad grade. It's laughable...sigh...