Perspective: part 1

A friend of mine challenged me to come up with a word that would describe my 2009. I liked his. Courage. I wanted mine to be something interesting like that, too. Something, thas was a good combination of inner work, with a focus on reaching and impacting others. But after a lot of thought, I came to this word:

PERSPECTIVE

This is important to me in this new season of my life. I have just finished my time at Biola, and I'm waiting 4 months to graduate. Life is taking a new turn here. I'm finding myself needing to reevaluate my life. My outlook, my view of God, my view of myself, my motivations, what I think about, how I think about things, and why I think about things. What is important to me? Why is it important to me? Is my distorted view of the world the only view that is out there?

Perspective.

I'll explain the rest of my story, and how I got to this point in the next installation. Right now, I just need to get what is on my mind, out.

So the move to LA was really exciting to think about first. Then came the challenge of finding a job. Now the big horror in the room is me having to start over.

I was in the living room tonight during one of the family book study sessions. It was good to observe. I didn't mind that. It was great how intentional they were with each other. Open, Caring. Sincere.

I liked watching. Then i started thinking about whether or not I'm going to joing it, and if I do, how difficult it's going to be for me to open up to them, the degree at which they already do. I got scared. I don't know these people that well. They know each other well. Sharing life. Doing together. Here I am. Coming in. I'm overwhelmed. There. i said it. open the flood gates of John's emotions. NO one's reading this anyway. I can be as emotional as I want. I was so intimidated by all the people. they're probably really nice people. Some of them I already know. But, what the heck do I talk to them about? I don't know how to interact with them just as a person. I don't know my limits. What I can say. What I can't.

Big overwhelming thought. They can't hold my stuff, and they shouldn't have to. They sure as hell don't want to. I don't know that for sure. that's probably the least true out of the last statements. I'm so much. I was getting so overwhelmed. I'd love to pursure real relationships with everyone... but something is stopping me. I'm a lot. Lets keep conversations about work, and the drive. And being up in LA and the move. Lets keep it theres. I'm gonna continue tomorrow. I'm bead.